Ten years without our sweet Abbie, how can that be? Sometimes it seems like yesterday I looked down the church aisle taking in her joy at setting in her Daddy's lap. Other times I struggle to remember what her voice sounded like, her sweet, little, girl smell...Ten years closer to seeing her again.
Time helps and the deep, deep, wound is scarred over some. I don't think of her every day still. I can talk about her without crying. But I MISS her, I wonder what kind of young woman she would have become? It hurts but I know He is enough. I'm currently savoring an amazing book-One Thousand Gifts, it is teaching me to give thanks in all things. I am learning to celebrate greater gain through greater loss.
Some of my favorite quotes from the book:
"Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world."
"You may suffer loss but in Me is anything ever lost, really? Isn't everything that belongs to Christ also yours? Loved ones lost still belong to Him-then aren't they still yours? If you haven't lost Christ, nothing is ever lost."
Philippians 3:10-sharing in Christ's sufferings, becoming like him in his death, we come to know Christ and the power of His resurrection.
"The dark CAN give birth to life, suffering can deliver grace." but it is a LONG and painful process.
"Faith is the gaze of a soul. I can keep right on going because I have kept my eyes on the One who is invisible." Hebrews 11:27 states, "That is what makes us persevere through a life: to see Him who is invisible."
Such a great book, but a slow read. I have to take in the words and digest them. I'm continually learning to give thanks in all things-even in letting Abbie go to her heavenly Father at 7 years old.
I'll conclude with a sweet note I received yesterday from one of Abbie's NICU nurses. It was a unexpected blessing, there was gratefulness found through the tears. God giving me a glimpse into his using Abbie and her short life here. From Jana Z.
"I've wanted to tell you something for so long but wasn't sure how it would be taken. I'm just going to take a leap of faith and pray that it comes across the way it's meant...I always question why it seems that the "wrong" people are taken from us too early. I really struggled with Abbie's death. I hope that doesn't sound selfish to you but I have always thought of her as "my" baby. When I got the news from Karen Martin I was absolutely devastated. For all the struggle and strife she endured as an infant, triumphing over all of the odds it just seemed so unfair. After much praying for comfort and answers I was finally blessed with a peace that can only be from Him. I am convinced that we all have a job to do here on earth and I know part of Abbie's was to change me. I had never "connected" with an infant like I did with Abbie and I haven't since. Even at her weakest times I could look into her eyes and felt that we were communicating, that she knew I was with her and that I loved her. Joronda, your daughter helped to strengthen my Christian beliefs, she made me want to be a better nurse and she helped me to take a second look at my own family and see all of my blessings in a brand new light. I think of Abbie often and have told many new nurses about her and how she made me the nurse I am today. I just want you to know that Abbie is not forgotten and that she made a difference."
Thank you Lord, for this kind reminder that you never forget my hurts. That you care, that you are good, that you are trustworthy....there will be a day when there will be no more tears. I am resting in that.
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